Never Say Goodbye
by Cpt.Tina
Summary: Bradley decides he wants to be part of his half-sister's life, wants to get to know Leila. John takes it upon himself to make sure that the offer is genuine and acts as the small girl's security detail once more.


**Story:** Bradley decides he wants to be part of his half-sister's life, wants to get to know Leila. John takes it upon himself to make sure that the offer is genuine and acts as the small girl's security detail once more.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Bad Robot Productions, Kilter Films, Warner Bros. Television  
><strong>Author's note:<strong> "Baby Blue" is still one of my favorite episodes. The Machine, Elias, Root, they are all handy plot devices, but nothing beats an innocent child in danger and our two heroes riding to the rescue. The trip to the park together was the icing on the cake. *g*  
><strong>Spoiler:<strong> 1x17 - Baby Blue  
><strong>Date<strong>: 05.07.2013

**Never Say Goodbye**

John stands outside the Cruz's home, watching the street. They'd offered him the opportunity to stay inside in the warmth to wait, but he had declined. He couldn't be in there with them, couldn't be in there with Leila. Because this is her family and he doesn't belong. Her grandparents are going to raise her and she's lucky to have them. Even more lucky to have a half-brother who's decided he wants to know her, wants to be part of her life, despite his father's cheating and his mother's kidnapping and murder plans. Or maybe because of all that? But those considerations are not his problem. He's there to make sure, that the baby they saved stays safe. That Bradley Petrosian is not a danger to either Leila or her grandparents.

The Cruz's will never ask for money - they won't have to. Finch made sure Leila has a reasonable college fund. And although this is all that the Cruz's allowed, Reese is certain Finch will be secretly funding them if need be. There are still enough other motives - aside from money - to get rid of Leila though, which is why he's her silent sentry once more.

Everything is quiet in the street, as he sees the young Petrosian arrive. The man's boyfriend is driving and after they parked the car, they stay put for a while longer, obviously finishing a deep conversation. Bradley seems both excited and agitated at once, but his boyfriend appears to implore him to exit the car anyway. They part with a chaste kiss. While Petrosian walks the few meters up the sidewalk, his friend stays in the car, but doesn't make a move to drive away.

"Hello, I'm Bradley Petrosian." the young man introduces himself, as he comes to the door and sees him. He offers his hand, but John only inclines his head in greeting, keeping half an eye on their surroundings.

"They're inside." he merely says and rings the doorbell.

While they both wait for it to be opened, John nods towards the silver Porsche convertible.

"That's a small car and it's a rough night to be stuck outside." he remarks.

Bradley has the decency to look sheepish for a moment.

"He didn't want to intrude on the first visit." he explains with a shrug. "I couldn't argue with that."

Again John stays outside. He keeps the door slightly open, however - just in case. He won't interrupt without a reason, but he feels better knowing he could if he needed to. The street stays almost empty though and Bradley's boyfriend is a nice guy and sticks to the car reading a book. He's also a pretty smart guy, John has to admit, because it is really cold. So he turns the collar of his coat up against the chill and tries to forget about the edgy feeling.

Nothing's wrong.

A look inside the house proofs, that things are going smoothly. Bradley is doting on his baby sister. He's old enough to be her father, but given his preferences that's probably something that will never happen. Maybe it's part of the reason why he wanted to be in her life. Not that it's any of John's business, but he knows it is something that he will never have either - given his line of work.

There's phantom pain in his wrists and a sting in his eyes for a moment, but he ignores both reminders of what he did for this child. He would do all of it again in a heartbeat, even knowing the consequences. Leila's life - the life of any innocent child - will always be more important to him than a Mafia don's or a Cop's. Adults are responsible for their own choices, and sometimes those choices put them in danger. Leila didn't get to choose.

John will also never forget Elias's betrayal. Yes, the man helped to find the baby in the first place, but using Leila to get to him was unforgivable. He knows he'll likely have to cooperate with Elias in the future, but he will always do it with a crying, freezing baby in mind. He won't forget. And eventually, he'll kill Elias with a clear conscience. The life of an innocent child is something the most hardened killers don't dare touch. Elias broke that unspoken rule and put himself on par with the worst of the worst. It's something he'll one day have to pay for. How dare he?

"Are you alright, Mr. Reese?"

Finch. Sometimes it seems the man is psychic.

There's no good answer to the question, so John ignores it.

"Everything's clear." he says instead, and then goes inside, because he doesn't want to talk and it's really freezing.

Finally, out of the cold, John stands at the window for a moment, trying to ignore the conversation. But the habit of eavesdropping is hard to stop.

Bradley seems seriously interested in his tiny sister, but it's obvious he also came to find out more about Claudia. It's quite likely his father doesn't talk about her, never considered her more than a fling. Given different circumstances, Bradley could have been jealous of this woman, but as it stands he seems much more furious with his heartless father and his ruthless mother.

A hand on his shoulder startles John. It's only Mrs. Cruz, though, asking him if he wants to join them for dinner. He considers it, as he watches Bradley put his baby sister in her highchair, watches Mr. Cruz fetch her bottle and bib. It's a very domestic scene. John averts his eyes and declines the invitation as politely as he can. Then he makes a round through the few rooms in the house, silent and careful, as not to disturb anything.

On his way back downstairs, he pauses, truly noticing the playpen in the living room for the first time. It's immediately overlayed with a picture of its temporary equivalent made of books that Finch built for Leila at the library, especially as he spots a tie lying inside. It's purple with a diamond shaped pattern. Finch's? There's also the small white teddy they had for her.

John swallows for a moment, tries to fight the jealousy. She's got nothing from him. Not that he knows what he could have possibly given her to play with. The Cruz's certainly wouldn't be thrilled about a tear gas grenade in their baby's hand - much like Finch hadn't been. Logically John knows that a child as small as she is, won't remember them - remember him - once she becomes old enough to talk, to go to kindergarten and later to school. Some part of him still wishes though, that he could give her something tangible. Something she would like and play with and maybe at least remember as a treasured toy.

He has nothing to remember Jessica by. Has nothing of her. Writing had never been their style and neither had been gifts. The only thing he has from Jessica, is the memory of four happy days in Mexico, before two planes had crashed his entire world. He wasn't there for her funeral, has never visited her grave.

John lets the chewed-on tie, that he picked up, slip from his fingers and forces himself to go back to his vantage point at the window. The street is as quiet as he has left it.

He has nothing to remind him of his own life either. Nothing from the time before the Army and the CIA. He hadn't much to begin with, a few boxes in a small storage space. He'd sold his parents' house after they had died. He had thought it meant nothing to him. By the time he had realized how wrong he'd been, it had been too late. And really, he wouldn't have had the time nor the money to manage renting it out or keeping it in good condition. The storage space has long since been emptied too, of course, likely around the time the CIA officially declared him dead and gave him a perfidious star on the wall in Langley.

So John has nothing left that truly belongs to him, nothing meaningful or cherished. And though he earns money again, he sees little reason to acquire anything. The things he wants and needs are nothing he can buy: Peace, Friendship, Love.

Leila is and will be loved, that much is clear to him and John is both glad and envious about it. She has a home now, she is safe - it's certainly more than he can say for himself. But he has a job now that is a perfect fit for him, a job where he can truly help people. It's a start.

The dinner conversation he listens in on covers all kinds of topics, including Bradley's studies, Mrs. Cruz's work and the early retirement of her husband, due to the baby. John has been busy with his own thoughts, so he's momentarily surprised when the family gets up from the table. While everyone says their goodbyes, he makes sure everything is safe outside, then waits again in the cold for the meeting to get wrapped up.

Bradley hesitates, as he steps out and closes the door behind himself.

"Thank you." he says then and offers his hand once more.

This time John takes it and accepts the gratitude, but doesn't say anything. He stays behind as the young man walks away, watches the car drive off and observes the quiet street for a bit longer.

He can't seem to get himself to leave just yet.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Reese." Mrs. Cruz apologizes, when she has startled him again with a hand on his shoulder. "I thought maybe you would like to come in and have dinner now. There's some bread, cheese, sausage and salad left."

She doesn't wait for an answer this time, but simply steers him inside and places him on a chair at the table. A fresh plate, clean cutlery and a new glass are waiting for him.

John hangs his head.

How can he possibly eat when he's all choked up? He feels like drowning. He should be happy for them, yet he's sad. He should be grateful that Leila is loved, yet he's envious. He should be relieved that she's safe, yet he's strangely angry.

There's a hand on his shoulder once more and suddenly he's handed something, takes it instinctively. Without consciously thinking about it, he cradles Leila against his chest. He remembers her scent, recognizes it immediately. He remembers her weight and size in his arms and can easily detect that she's grown. He bright smile and happy gurgle are still the same.

"Hello, Leila." he whispers, the words rough and raw as tears sting his eyes again. He burrows his face against her neck as they begin to fall, unable to stop himself. She's warm and soft and so very much alive in his arms, one of her small hands fisted in his overcoat, while the other has latched onto the collar of his shirt. She babbles sweetly and obliviously in his ear, as silent sobs wreak him.

She's not just a baby - not to him. He literally went through a freezer with her and it's a damn miracle she didn't get sick again from the ordeal. It's a miracle she's alive and well. Her mother gave her away to save her and it almost didn't work out, just like John pushing Jess away still got her killed in the end. Finch lost his friend and his fiancé, Leila lost her mother. They are all broken in some way and for a little while they were less broken together, but ultimately much more vulnerable because of it.

It's hard to pull himself together, but after some time John manages to swallow the tears and kiss Leila's forehead. He places her back in the playpen then, with the tie and the bear and her other toys for company. Bradley's gift is still on the table, and he takes a moment to examine it. Better safe than sorry. The black rabbit plushie is soft and cute, it's certified and hasn't been tampered with in any way. John carefully puts it in the playpen with Leila and regrets once more that he has nothing to give to her - nothing except his protection.

"Mr. Reese..."

He taps his earpiece, ignoring whatever Finch was trying to convey through saying his name this time. Then he kisses Leila on the head again, before he determinedly strides to the door. He won't say goodbye again. He already did it once. John's outside in no time and turns the collar of his coat up against the cold once more. He probably looks awful, but it can't be any worse than when he was living on the streets. It seems like centuries ago, when in reality it has only been a few months...

A hand lands on his shoulder again, testament to how distracted he still is. This time the hand squeezes lightly for a moment.

"You're welcome to visit any time, son." Mr. Cruz says quietly and John shakes his head almost immediately.

He shakes his head at the form of address, at the sentiment of the statement, at the impossible kindness and gratitude, at the cruelty and unfairness of life.

"I can't." he whispers and leaves, without another word.

He simply picks a direction and starts walking, as the tears begin to fall again. As much as he would like to stick around, it's too dangerous. For all of them.

**-END-**

_"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."_  
><em>- J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan<em>


End file.
